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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27082381">A Secret Kept for too Long</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightinpinkunderwear/pseuds/knightinpinkunderwear'>knightinpinkunderwear</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020 Dexter &amp; Criminal Minds [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Character Death, Episode: s02e12 Profiler Profiled, Gen, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Murder, POV Third Person, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Season/Series 02, Whumptober, Whumptober 2020, Wrongful Imprisonment, victim blames himself</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 02:07:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>762</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27082381</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightinpinkunderwear/pseuds/knightinpinkunderwear</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek Morgan knows a lot about secrets. And how awful they can make you feel. </p><p>Whumptober day 17:<br/>Theme: I did not see that Coming<br/>Prompt(s) : Dirty Secret &amp; Wrongfully Accused</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020 Dexter &amp; Criminal Minds [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946476</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Secret Kept for too Long</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>If you have seen s2e12 you know what this is about. This fic does not include any graphic or explicet details about the CSA. </p><p>If you think this may trigger you, by all means, please do not read it. I do not want to hurt anyone.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Derek Morgan knew better than anyone how a secret could feel dirty. How it could feel so awful it made your skin crawl and made you want to shower with scalding water and scrub until your skin was bleeding. And somehow you knew you still wouldn’t feel free of the ickiness. Somehow you knew you wouldn't be free of the invisible stain on your skin. </p><p>He kept the secret not because it was dirty, but because no one would believe him. Because he’d had so much to lose then. Now, it was just muscle memory. </p><p>He’d kept the secret because he’d thought he was the only one. </p><p>But he was starting to put it together. </p><p>He didn’t kill that boy. The team knew that. </p><p>He just wished they’d listen and stay out of it. </p><p>Because what if in that sealed paper-trail they found it. </p><p>The secret was dirty alright, it made him feel filthy inside and out. </p><p><em> Victimology </em>, Hotch says. And his blood runs cold. </p><p>They were already considering him a victim. It pulls the air out of his lungs like the first awful time, when it could have been an accident, at the lake house.</p><p>When his brain screamed something was off, wrong, but he'd needed to keep playing. He'd needed the support. The chance to make something good of himself. </p><p>
  <em> Victim. </em>
</p><p>It's too close for comfort. Too close to the truth. It was starting to make a little sense. </p><p>He shuts Hotch down. Screams at him.</p><p>Tells him over and over again that <em> he is not a victim </em>. He is alive. He has a life and he hasn't lost it. </p><p><em> He is not a victim </em> . He shouts, because that is <em> exactly </em> what he is. It's exactly what he is and he can't stand it. He never could. </p><p>He bit his tongue and he cried in his room late at night, when his mother and sisters couldn't hear. Because if he let them down again he didn't know if he could live with himself. Because he didn't want to worry them. Because he'd <em> finally </em> been doing them proud, he was going to go places and he couldn't let anything stop him. </p><p>Even though every time <em> it </em> happened all he did was stop, freeze up inside and out. Wishing that his body would turn cold so that he could feel the icky dirty secret <em> less </em>. </p><p>"We still have three dead children out there,"</p><p>"Yes! Those are your victims, that's your case, profile <em> them </em>!" it is nothing short of a miracle that his voice doesn’t break. </p><p>"Is there something else you don't want us to find out?" Hotch asks and he has been keeping this secret for far too long to give up that easily. </p><p>So he acts annoyed. Plays the privacy card, and the just coworkers card. </p><p>He doesn't want to know what they'll think of him if they know. </p><p>The panic only wracks up after that. </p><p>Penelope unseals his records. The team is closer than ever to knowing about it. </p><p>He never wanted them to know. </p><p>He never wanted them to find out. </p><p>Especially not like this. </p><p>He has kept the secret for so long. No one would have believed him then. Who's to say they would believe him now. </p><p>And if they would have believed him, helped him, then he'd been complicit in this nasty secret for no reason. And somehow that feels worse than being a victim. That feels worse than having people think he killed three kids. </p><p>He knows he didn't kill those boys. </p><p>But his secret, if it had let other boys like him, bright-eyed and with the chance of a way out of the streets, become a victim like him. Then he was guilty of something. </p><p>Something that hurt and gnawed at him like mold. The secret was worse then. It was so much worse. Because if he'd been the only one, if he'd really, truly, been the only one then keeping the secret, dirty as it was wouldn't be so bad.</p><p>But he isn't the only one. Not anymore. There were others too. He can see that now. </p><p>So many boys just like him, many of them men now. </p><p>He knew Carl Buford was an awful man. </p><p>He just never thought murder had any play in it. </p><p>And then it's all over. </p><p>His secret isn't so secret anymore. James knows.</p><p>Gideon and Hotch know. He can see it in their eyes.</p><p>And worse yet, he can see the victim reflected back at him, dirty from a secret kept for so long for no good reason. </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>At this point it seems that I will be filling some of these prompts out after October... oh well.<br/>I would very much appreciate some ideas if y'all have any suggestions. </p><p>Here are the laid out prompts and days: https://whumptober2020.tumblr.com/post/628055505485561856/whumptober-2020-updated</p></blockquote></div></div>
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